The Power of Self-Acceptance

            Many of us have been indoctrinated into the belief that self-esteem, and particularly high self-esteem, is extremely important. We are going to examine how self-acceptance is more powerful than self-esteem. As we begin this journey, I invite you think about all the ways you try to improve your self-esteem, or try to increase the self-esteem of those around you.

The Problems with Self-Esteem

            First of all, what is this thing we call self-esteem? If we break the two words apart, it basically is what it says – how you esteem, or value, your self. It often comes from messages we receive about ourselves from our parents, teachers, society, and other places that influence us.

            Self-esteem is usually based on factors that are way beyond our control, or on things that aren’t permanent. Usually, it’s based on some form of performance. If we look at people in our society who are held in high esteem, we think of athletes, performers, or successful business people. Think of your favorite athlete. He’s by far not my favorite, but I grew up a Cowboys fan. Tony Romo, their quarterback, has the ability to make incredible and fabulous plays that are quite impressive. Then he has the ability to follow it up with the most bone-headed interception you’ve ever seen. All in the same person. And he gets paid a lot to do this.

            Think of your esteem as a student (or a student you know). You can feel really good about yourself when you do well on a test, but what about when you do poorly? Does your worth as a person actually change? In baseball, a good batting average is considered to be .300 or better. That’s 30%. In basketball, shooting better than 50% is considered good.  Hardly examples of consistent behavior.

            Often our self-esteem is heavily influenced, if not dependent, on what others think of us. I can feel pretty good about myself when one of my clients tells me how great I am. But there are many days when I don’t get any feedback at all and I’m left to wonder whether I helped anyone at all. Which one of us can consistently impress others to where they always feel good about us? Sometimes, I can get too hung up on the results of the therapy I provide. I care a lot about how my folks do. But I have to remind myself that I’m not in charge of the outcome, even though the outcome is important. If I get too wrapped up in placing my worth as a therapist on the results of my therapy, something that is largely beyond my control, my self-worth is subject to things that are well beyond what I can control.

When we consider how a person’s looks affect their self-esteem, the results are even more variable. First of all, looks will always change, and individuals and society changes what is valued anyway. Marilyn Monroe, by today’s standards, would be considered “plus size.” We used to think Sean Connery’s hairy chest was really sexy, now all the “hot” males have bare chests.

            Sometimes we base our self-esteem on how we make other people feel. But who can consistently make others happy? I’d argue that we’re not in charge of other people’s happiness at all, even though there may be a lot of pressure to believe that we do.

            Western culture often values things that are stereotypically masculine. Being strong, beating others, winning, producing. We don’t value things that are stereotypically feminine like connecting with others, expressing empathy, or being creative. You can see what kind of effect these values could have on a person’s self-esteem, simply based on whether they’re a boy or a girl.

            To summarize this part of the article, the main problem with self-esteem is that it is too variable. No one can perform consistently, produce consistently, or make others feel good consistently. To base one’s worth on that is far too variable and we invest far too much energy in trying to meet these unreasonable standards set by ourselves, our society, or the people around us.

Self Acceptance

            An alternative to self-esteem is self acceptance. It is what it says – to accept your self and be OK with that. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to dislike it, you just have to accept it. It is what it is. To quote Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”

            What if, when you were born, you were given an inherent amount of worth – just because you are. Just because you’re a unique individual. What if this worth could never be increased, no matter how awesome you become? What if this worth could never be decreased, no matter how badly you behave?

            Let’s take a little journey into this. I’m going to take a trait I have and show how it is both good and bad, depending on how it is applied. But I’m going to suggest that, by itself, it is neither good nor bad – it just is. Dr. Paul has the ability to be very out-spoken, direct, and articulate. When I am in some meetings, this is an extremely useful trait. I get the point out clearly, succinctly, and it helps make things happen. In other discussions, this exact same trait does the opposite of what I intend. I’ll state what I think very clearly, hoping other people will respond, but it’s said in such a way that it shuts down discussion, which is the opposite of what I want. The same trait in two different situations has different outcomes. In one the results are good – it accomplishes what I want. In the other, it’s bad – it shuts down discussion. But by itself, it just is, neither good nor bad.

Making Judgments

            How we value things essentially involves making judgments. Many of our judgments are benign. Chocolate vs. vanilla. Coke vs. Pepsi. Tastes Great vs. Less Filling. Others are much more value-laden. The President is great because ________ (fill in the blank with your favorite accomplishment of his). Or, The President is terrible because ________ (fill in the blank with what you think is terrible about him).

            Honestly, we do judge behavior, hopefully according to our values. I consider myself a very accepting and respectful person. If this is so, why does this completely go away the moment I walk into Wal-Mart? Does it mean that suddenly I’m a bad person? If I judge myself according to this trait, it’s going to change depending on whether I’m in my office or if I’m in Wal-Mart. Again, it’s too variable.

Let’s Try a Little Self Acceptance

            I’m going to type out a meditation exercise. Honestly, this exercise would work better in person, but imagine someone (like me – smiley face) leading you through it.

Sit comfortably in your chair with both feet on the ground. Breathe in and see if you can notice the flat spot at the top of your breath, where you’re neither breathing in or breathing out. Over the next couple of minutes, your mind may want to wander. That’s OK, just bring it back to focus on what we’re doing. Now, turn you attention to your feet. See if you can find the points of contact between your feet and the floor. See if you can imagine accepting your feet, just as they are, no need for changing them. Then move your attention up your body to your legs. Do the same thing. Just accept them for what they are. Shift your attention to the rest of your body. Notice how it feels being supported by your chair. Imagine yourself looking down on yourself and just accepting what you see. Finally, look inside your heart and all that it holds. Have some compassion for it. Accept it for all it experiences, good and bad, positive and negative, joyful and painful. All these emotions just tell us that you’re a living human being. Accept all of these things as part of life. They don’t have to be good or bad. They can just be. Now, just breathe. Breathe in and out without effort, just as you were meant to do. Take one more breath and open your eyes and check in with how it is to just be.

Conclusion

            I believe that the majority of us spend way too much effort trying to prop up our fragile judgments about ourselves. We’re constantly trying to increase our self-esteem. As we explored earlier, this is futile. It’s much too variable and frequently based on things we cannot control.

            What if we didn’t spend so much of this energy trying to feel better about ourselves or becoming numb or distracting ourselves from feeling badly? Think about how much energy we’d have to focus on our behaviors.

            If I’m not wasting so much energy trying to feel better about myself, I can invest that energy into behaving according to what I truly value. Let me give you an example. Believe it or not, I’m not a real touchy-feely kind of guy. When I do guided meditation stuff, it feels a bit too touchy-feely for me and it’s out of my comfort zone. If I’m all worried about what other people think about my touchy-feely techniques, then I get nervous and I often just skip that part.

            However, if I focus on what I know works best and not worry about how I feel about myself or what I think that you think you might feel about me (kind-of confusing, huh?), then I can do what works best. I set aside my own feelings, which can change with the wind anyway, and I can focus on what’s best.

            That’s why self-acceptance is so powerful. I am OK. Just because I am. Nothing more and nothing less. If I quit working so hard to prop up how I feel about myself or how I think other people feel about me, I can focus on actually doing what I most believe in. That’s the power of self-acceptance.