Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You Scratch My Back, I’ll Scratch Yours


 

Forrest Gump's mom, Sally Field (aka Frog Legs in Smokey and the Bandit and also Norma Jean) is credited with teaching Tom Hanks (formerly Kip Wilson in Bosom Buddies) that "Life is like a box of chocolates." The best one that I'm going to claim credit for making up goes like this:


 

A good relationship is like giving and receiving a good back scratch. Let's say that the husband is trying to give the wife a good back scratch. She just sits there wishing that "I wish he'd go a bit lower" or "scratch a bit harder," but she keeps her mouth shut, just being thankful that he's paying any attention to her at all. In order for her to enjoy it, she's got to give him directions. "A little lower. Down to the right. AH YESSSS!!!!"


 

On the other hand, he has to listen. He can't say, "Shut up, I've scratched a hundred backs before. I know what I'm doing."


 

Giving and receiving a good back scratch requires open ears, open hands, open communication and open hearts. Good fingernails or one of those plastic back-scratching hands you get at the county fair can help, too. You have to focus on the goal – to give the gift of complete, undivided attention, to help your cherished one feel good.


 

So many times, couples get into trouble when they stop giving their partner directions, and stop listening. If you really want to "hit the spot," ask questions. Receive directions. Adjust where you scratch, how hard, and when. Give your poor partner directions. Don't expect him to read your back (mind). Lack of the ability to read minds does not automatically equal insensitivity. Be brave – give directions. Let her know what feels good. Listen to what he's telling you.

Too often, when couples keep their mouths and ears shut, each person is doing a lot of scratching, but it isn't hitting the spot. This leads to resentment, feelings of futility, irritability, and sometimes anger.

Examples of this are endless. Take a couple married for 10 years with 2 pre-school children. She stays at home a couple days a week and works a couple days a week. He puts in the "normal" 50 hours and does what he can around the house. She takes care of all of the shopping, 90% of the cooking, and about 70% of the child-rearing, although he does a lot when he's home. He runs the family business, pays the bills, takes care of the vehicles, and does the yard. Neither of them do that much house-work, except for keeping stuff that causes diseases cleaned up.

He secretly wishes that she'd greet him at the door with a long, passionate kiss instead of the usual peck on the cheek and the retreat into her reading room now that she's not in charge of the kids anymore. She wishes he'd just clean up after himself. After all, she cleans up after 3 people all <insert expletive> day long, two of whom can turn a room upside down in less than 4.2 seconds.

Each morning, he's up first and the boy usually is up not long after he does. The boy wants attention, so Dad grabs him and they eat cereal together, even though the boy would much rather go up and see what Mommy is doing. Dad wants Mommy to have that extra 20 minutes of sleep he knows she deserves since she works so hard. He is scratching away.

She cooks this 3-course dinner and has it warm and ready when he walks in the back door. This beats the hell out of the microwaved frozen dinner that passes for culinary fare at least 3 nights each week. She's scratching.

Unfortunately, they miss each other, not from lack of effort, but lack of communicating. Each of them wants the other to know that they care how they feel and wants to help them feel better. Yet, making assumptions and not giving directions leaves them both feeling frustrated, angry, tired, hopeless, and too often – alone.

Although you're certainly not in charge of your partner's feelings, you can sure affect them. Unless you're a total Neanderthal (no offense intended to those of the Neanderthalic persuasion), you want to give each other good feelings. Talk and listen and you stand a much better chance of hitting the spot.

Ooooh, that feels really good.