The Power of Self-Acceptance

            Many of us have been indoctrinated into the belief that self-esteem, and particularly high self-esteem, is extremely important. We are going to examine how self-acceptance is more powerful than self-esteem. As we begin this journey, I invite you think about all the ways you try to improve your self-esteem, or try to increase the self-esteem of those around you.

The Problems with Self-Esteem

            First of all, what is this thing we call self-esteem? If we break the two words apart, it basically is what it says – how you esteem, or value, your self. It often comes from messages we receive about ourselves from our parents, teachers, society, and other places that influence us.

            Self-esteem is usually based on factors that are way beyond our control, or on things that aren’t permanent. Usually, it’s based on some form of performance. If we look at people in our society who are held in high esteem, we think of athletes, performers, or successful business people. Think of your favorite athlete. He’s by far not my favorite, but I grew up a Cowboys fan. Tony Romo, their quarterback, has the ability to make incredible and fabulous plays that are quite impressive. Then he has the ability to follow it up with the most bone-headed interception you’ve ever seen. All in the same person. And he gets paid a lot to do this.

            Think of your esteem as a student (or a student you know). You can feel really good about yourself when you do well on a test, but what about when you do poorly? Does your worth as a person actually change? In baseball, a good batting average is considered to be .300 or better. That’s 30%. In basketball, shooting better than 50% is considered good.  Hardly examples of consistent behavior.

            Often our self-esteem is heavily influenced, if not dependent, on what others think of us. I can feel pretty good about myself when one of my clients tells me how great I am. But there are many days when I don’t get any feedback at all and I’m left to wonder whether I helped anyone at all. Which one of us can consistently impress others to where they always feel good about us? Sometimes, I can get too hung up on the results of the therapy I provide. I care a lot about how my folks do. But I have to remind myself that I’m not in charge of the outcome, even though the outcome is important. If I get too wrapped up in placing my worth as a therapist on the results of my therapy, something that is largely beyond my control, my self-worth is subject to things that are well beyond what I can control.

When we consider how a person’s looks affect their self-esteem, the results are even more variable. First of all, looks will always change, and individuals and society changes what is valued anyway. Marilyn Monroe, by today’s standards, would be considered “plus size.” We used to think Sean Connery’s hairy chest was really sexy, now all the “hot” males have bare chests.

            Sometimes we base our self-esteem on how we make other people feel. But who can consistently make others happy? I’d argue that we’re not in charge of other people’s happiness at all, even though there may be a lot of pressure to believe that we do.

            Western culture often values things that are stereotypically masculine. Being strong, beating others, winning, producing. We don’t value things that are stereotypically feminine like connecting with others, expressing empathy, or being creative. You can see what kind of effect these values could have on a person’s self-esteem, simply based on whether they’re a boy or a girl.

            To summarize this part of the article, the main problem with self-esteem is that it is too variable. No one can perform consistently, produce consistently, or make others feel good consistently. To base one’s worth on that is far too variable and we invest far too much energy in trying to meet these unreasonable standards set by ourselves, our society, or the people around us.

Self Acceptance

            An alternative to self-esteem is self acceptance. It is what it says – to accept your self and be OK with that. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to dislike it, you just have to accept it. It is what it is. To quote Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”

            What if, when you were born, you were given an inherent amount of worth – just because you are. Just because you’re a unique individual. What if this worth could never be increased, no matter how awesome you become? What if this worth could never be decreased, no matter how badly you behave?

            Let’s take a little journey into this. I’m going to take a trait I have and show how it is both good and bad, depending on how it is applied. But I’m going to suggest that, by itself, it is neither good nor bad – it just is. Dr. Paul has the ability to be very out-spoken, direct, and articulate. When I am in some meetings, this is an extremely useful trait. I get the point out clearly, succinctly, and it helps make things happen. In other discussions, this exact same trait does the opposite of what I intend. I’ll state what I think very clearly, hoping other people will respond, but it’s said in such a way that it shuts down discussion, which is the opposite of what I want. The same trait in two different situations has different outcomes. In one the results are good – it accomplishes what I want. In the other, it’s bad – it shuts down discussion. But by itself, it just is, neither good nor bad.

Making Judgments

            How we value things essentially involves making judgments. Many of our judgments are benign. Chocolate vs. vanilla. Coke vs. Pepsi. Tastes Great vs. Less Filling. Others are much more value-laden. The President is great because ________ (fill in the blank with your favorite accomplishment of his). Or, The President is terrible because ________ (fill in the blank with what you think is terrible about him).

            Honestly, we do judge behavior, hopefully according to our values. I consider myself a very accepting and respectful person. If this is so, why does this completely go away the moment I walk into Wal-Mart? Does it mean that suddenly I’m a bad person? If I judge myself according to this trait, it’s going to change depending on whether I’m in my office or if I’m in Wal-Mart. Again, it’s too variable.

Let’s Try a Little Self Acceptance

            I’m going to type out a meditation exercise. Honestly, this exercise would work better in person, but imagine someone (like me – smiley face) leading you through it.

Sit comfortably in your chair with both feet on the ground. Breathe in and see if you can notice the flat spot at the top of your breath, where you’re neither breathing in or breathing out. Over the next couple of minutes, your mind may want to wander. That’s OK, just bring it back to focus on what we’re doing. Now, turn you attention to your feet. See if you can find the points of contact between your feet and the floor. See if you can imagine accepting your feet, just as they are, no need for changing them. Then move your attention up your body to your legs. Do the same thing. Just accept them for what they are. Shift your attention to the rest of your body. Notice how it feels being supported by your chair. Imagine yourself looking down on yourself and just accepting what you see. Finally, look inside your heart and all that it holds. Have some compassion for it. Accept it for all it experiences, good and bad, positive and negative, joyful and painful. All these emotions just tell us that you’re a living human being. Accept all of these things as part of life. They don’t have to be good or bad. They can just be. Now, just breathe. Breathe in and out without effort, just as you were meant to do. Take one more breath and open your eyes and check in with how it is to just be.

Conclusion

            I believe that the majority of us spend way too much effort trying to prop up our fragile judgments about ourselves. We’re constantly trying to increase our self-esteem. As we explored earlier, this is futile. It’s much too variable and frequently based on things we cannot control.

            What if we didn’t spend so much of this energy trying to feel better about ourselves or becoming numb or distracting ourselves from feeling badly? Think about how much energy we’d have to focus on our behaviors.

            If I’m not wasting so much energy trying to feel better about myself, I can invest that energy into behaving according to what I truly value. Let me give you an example. Believe it or not, I’m not a real touchy-feely kind of guy. When I do guided meditation stuff, it feels a bit too touchy-feely for me and it’s out of my comfort zone. If I’m all worried about what other people think about my touchy-feely techniques, then I get nervous and I often just skip that part.

            However, if I focus on what I know works best and not worry about how I feel about myself or what I think that you think you might feel about me (kind-of confusing, huh?), then I can do what works best. I set aside my own feelings, which can change with the wind anyway, and I can focus on what’s best.

            That’s why self-acceptance is so powerful. I am OK. Just because I am. Nothing more and nothing less. If I quit working so hard to prop up how I feel about myself or how I think other people feel about me, I can focus on actually doing what I most believe in. That’s the power of self-acceptance.

Movin on Up!

Movin on Up! Cue the Jefferson’s theme song. After 10 years at our first location, Conditt Psychological Services is moving. Our new office is at 2412 Waterloo Road in Cedar Falls, IA.  It’s easy to find, about 2 blocks off University located between a veterinarian’s office and an auto parts store.

Our new space will allow us to much better serve our clients. It has:

• Ample parking
•   No steps to navigate, so much more handicap accessible
•    Easy to find
•    Quiet, very professional space

We’re planning on moving the furniture on October 25, 2013 and should be open for business Monday, October 28, 2013. Our other contact information will remain the same.

This is a big move for us and is a sign of progress. We’ve long been searching for more functional space and with a lot of patience, we finally found something that fits our needs very well.  We’re pretty sure that you’ll like it, too!

While you're at it, check out the new look of our website, www.conditt.org.  More changes are coming soon if the packing, unpacking, and making all the technology work doesn't take too long!

Back to School

Here we are again. Summer is fast winding down and it’s time to get ready for school. I’m going to share with you a few organizational tips I’ve gathered over the years.  

A few principles to begin with. First of all, start off the school year by establishing good habits. The tricky part is sustaining them. When your student is all gung-ho at the beginning of the year, this excitement inevitably wears off and it’s at that point that the habits take over. Having good habits (and sticking with them) not only saves time and effort, it usually improves results.

Secondly, you only need to get organized enough. I’ve had so many people give up because the system they were taught took more time than it saved. Or, the technology was so cumbersome it didn’t save any time or effort. The goal in getting organized is not to be organized just for the sake of organization, but to save time and effort. 

Tools You’ll Need

1. Planner. These are often provided by the school, but my experience is that they are often too small. I like one that is big enough to put lots of notes in. Plus, the bigger it is, the easier it is to keep track of. 
2. Backpack. You may not really think of a backpack as a tool, but it can be an extremely valuable one. Use it to not only haul books back and forth, but to keep essential supplies such as pencils, pens, and highlighters. Getting into the habit of always putting the planner in the backpack can save a lot of headaches later on. 
3. An iPod or iPad or smartphone. OK, I’ll admit that I put those on the list mainly to appease the kids. I personally haven’t had time to get familiar with the apps that are available to help students be organized, but there are a lot of them out there. The primary advantage to having an electronic tool is the ability to have alarms. The disadvantages include having many other distractions on the device and the screen size being rather small. 

Habits to Develop

1. As much as possible, establish a daily routine. Our brains are much more efficient when we know what to expect. Plus, when certain activities are well-established habits, such as brushing your teeth after breakfast, we don’t have to spend much energy thinking about what to do next. Here’s a link to a sample form that can help get your started with a daily routine: http://www.adhdandyou.com/documents/Elementary-School-Weekday.pdf 
2. Have a quiet place for doing homework. Ideally you have a desk where you can keep extra pens, pencils, and erasers (I always had one of those really big pink ones). If you don’t need your computer for homework, don’t have it on because emails and instant messages can be very distracting. Don’t have the TV on and if you listen to music, listen to some without words. Your brain may want to pay attention to the words of the song instead of the task in front of you. 
3. Track what you do. For those students who end up having a lot of missing assignments, getting into the habit of checking off completed ones can help. It gives a sense of accomplishment and helps reduce arguments. When a homework assignment is completed, check it off in your planner then put it in your backpack. If a parent needs to check it off, too, it’s useful for the parent to have a set time to do this so he or she doesn’t forget. For many students, it’s good to have one folder, a nice bright-colored one, that is only for homework that is to be turned in. Some people like a folder for every subject, but for others, this is too much clutter. If you just use the one folder, it goes into the backpack along with the planner. 
4. Always pack your backpack as soon as homework is finished. Everything should have it’s own place and your planner, notebooks, and textbooks should live in your backpack so you don’t have to scramble around looking for things in the morning as you’re rushing to get to school on time. 
5. Put your backpack in the same place every night so you don’t have to search for it in the morning. Parents will love this and it can reduce the amount of yelling and nagging that they do. Remember students, if you do it consistently on your own, then your parents don’t have to nag!
6. Use your planner. A lot of students really resist using a planner. They experience it as just another task that has to get done, rather than a tool that actually saves them time. It’s important to stress that if the planner is used correctly, it saves time. Lets start off with a little test. If you have 5 things to do today and all of them are written in your planner, how many things do you have to remember? Most people I give this test answer with either “5” or “none.” The correct answer is “1” - remember to look in the planner. The idea is to take 5 things off your mind and literally put them onto a piece of paper. Then all you have to do is get into the habit of looking at the planner so you don’t have to keep so many things in mind. 
7. Plan ahead. For bigger projects, don’t write down just the due date, but also the date that it needs to get started. Break the big assignment into smaller tasks, such as gathering the articles and materials necessary, finishing the rough draft, etc. Give yourself deadlines and put them in your planner. Remember to check them off when you get them done. 

Many parents ask me when the best time to do homework is. Some students do best to do it right after school so that the rest of their evening is free. Others need a break and should at least have a snack and then maybe some time to play. I recommend a good activity instead of watching TV or playing video games. But, sometimes these activities can be a good way to wind down after the school day. Just limit the amount of time spent doing these things. Again, get into the habit of doing homework at the same time and in the same place everyday. 

Finally, reward yourself for jobs well done! Celebrate accomplishments and develop a sense of pride for getting things done and establishing good work habits. 

Have a great school year!

Why Be Thankful?

 

    As you are aware, Thanksgiving is soon upon us. This means a lot of different things at different times. It involves planning for obscene amounts of food and copious amounts of football-watching. It means deciding on whether or not to endure the crowds at the mall (I recommend not to). It may mean digging out the Christmas decorations. Finally, for many of us, it means to pause and give thanks for what we have.

    But this isn't always easy and I'm going to tell you why. Our brains are hard-wired to look for danger. Imagine Zog and Zeke are cave-persons living thousands of years ago. They look outside and see a fuzzy shape. Zog asks, "Is that a bear or a blueberry bush?" Zeke replies, "I don't know, looks kinda like a bear to me." Zog, being the more adventurous dashes off. A few hours later, he returns, belly full, proclaiming, "Those were the best blueberries ever. You really missed out." Zeke goes to bed that night hungry, wishing he had some blueberries. Imagine this scenario playing out dozens of times. But one night, Zog never returns. Zeke checks out his corner of the cave and he's not there. Zeke gathers up Zog's stuff and takes his mate. The moral of the story is: it's better to miss lunch than to be lunch. Zeke and his new mate produced several offspring and their genes survived, being passed down to us.

    Since we rarely have to worry about life-and-death in our culture, our brains still revert back to what they're designed to do, so we look for other forms of "danger." Think for a moment about all the things you're worried about. How long will this winter last? How high will the heating bill be? Will my favorite team win another game this year or do they really stink as bad as they looked last week? Are we ever going to get out of these wars? How many of our brothers and sisters will go hungry and/or cold this winter? Can I even do anything about it?

    All this worrying, which in ages past kept us alive, now robs us of life's joy. The bad news is that it is very difficult to worry and at the same time be grateful. That's also the good news. There is an emerging field in my profession called Positive Psychology. Although it is "new," those of us who know Scripture know that the benefits of being thankful go back thousands of years. Positive psychology focuses on helping people develop skills to actually be happy.

    We're going to spend the next few minutes examining how being thankful – actually engaging in the act and attitude of gratefulness – is good for us. In fact, if there is a key to happiness, the way to turn that key is by actively being thankful. Let me repeat that. We turn the key to happiness by being thankful.

    So what are the emotional benefits of being thankful? Thankfully (yes I use that word on purpose), there are many. Being thankful puts a person into a positive frame of mind. Remember what we saw earlier – it is very difficult, if not impossible, to actively be thankful while at the same time being unhappy. People in positive mind-frames are more productive, more creative, easier to get along with, and tend to have more satisfying relationships. They're healthier, especially taking into account diseases caused or made worse by stress, such as high blood pressure, ulcers, and heart problems. An interesting paradox is that although our problems might cause us to worry, we will solve them more effectively if we approach them with a positive mind-set.

    Lynn Johnson, Ph.D., is a psychologist who has proposed the following exercise in his workbook The Healing Power of Gratitude (Johnson, 2006). He suggests that there are very few problems, tragedies, or misfortunes that are not a mixed blessing. For example, you've heard the adage, "I felt sorry for myself because I didn't have any shoes until I met a person who had no feet." Even the absence of something we need can provide an opportunity to be thankful. Dr. Johnson suggests that we examine something that is wrong in our lives and try to find the blessing within it. Many of you know that we went through a couple of pretty lean years in our practice, even though we were working very hard. Now, we've built up a relatively consistent case-load, which can cause Dr. Paul to get tired and, if you ask his wife, irritable. When I reflect on this "problem," I immediately become thankful that I have this problem instead of the one we had a couple of years ago when I wasn't sure how we'd be able to pay our bills. As my dad says, "That's a good problem to have."

    Another cool thing about how our brains work is captured in this exercise I'll lead you through. Take a look around the room and make a mental list of everything you see that's blue. Now, close your eyes and try to identify everything you saw that was green. When I do this exercise in my office, I often get the response, "Dr. Paul, you cheated." Yes, I did. The moral of this exercise is that our brains are very good at looking for what we expect to see. Remember our cave-dwelling ancestors. If they expected to see a bear, even when there weren't any around, their hyper-vigilance kept them alive to pass their genes along to us.

    To take this a step further, let's say that the blue things represent what's bad and the green represent what's good. If we focus on one or the other, it doesn't make either of them go away. BUT, we tend to feel better if we focus on what's good and for that we can give thanks. One way to help us dwell on what is noble is by keeping a gratitude journal. We're passing out one to get you started. There are some studies that report that doing it 3 times/day is beneficial, while others say that doing it once a week keeps it from being too rote of an exercise. Either way, it's very important to be specific and get into the emotions of what you're thankful for. If you list your kids, then really dwell on the joy they bring into your life and into the world. I'm thankful for our church gardeners. It makes me proud to be associated with a group of people who not only give lip service to providing for the poor, but who actually get their hands dirty doing it. That, brothers and sisters, is joyful. Announcing in church how many pounds of food they delivered to the Food Bank is an example of verbally expressing gratitude, both for the toil they put in and the bounty provided by God.

    Another amazing ability humans have is the ability to assign meaning to things and events. You often hear that the difference between optimism and pessimism is whether you look at the glass half full or half empty. I'm going to offer you another option. If your glass was previously empty, and now it's half full, there's reason to give thanks. If your glass was previously full, but you were thirsty and you drank half of it, there's reason to give thanks. I'll argue that the action of giving thanks is what makes it positive, not on the level of your favorite refreshment in the glass.

    I believe that this ability to create meaning in life is another thing to be grateful for. Victor Frankl was a Viennese neurologist and psychiatrist who was Jewish. He wrote the best-seller, Man's Search for Meaning. He and his entire family were sent to concentration camps during WW II. He and another man had devised a plan to escape, but since he was the camp's doctor, he decided to make one last round. He visited a man who was clearly not long for this world. The man, knowing of the escape plan, said to Frankl, "So you're getting out, too." Victor decided to stay in the camp and serve his fellow prisoners. He learned and taught us that even unimaginable suffering can be survived if there is meaning to life. Perhaps the most important reason to be thankful.

    So, before you sit down to gorge yourself on your favorite Thanksgiving meal, be thankful! Remember, it turns the key to happiness! Happy Thanksgiving!

If I feel it, it must be true!

Pop psychology and psycho-babble has done us a real disservice. In the 1970s and 80s, the height of the "Me Generation" (although the 2000s make those decades pale in comparison) people began to get enough psychological information to be dangerous, but not enough to be helpful. The proliferation of "reality" TV shows emphasizes this ad nauseum. Everyone is an amateur shrink, has supposedly incredible insights, and if only everyone believed what she said, then they'd "grow" so much.

There's this disorder that I've discovered called, If I Feel It, It Must Be True. Recently, I conducted a cognitive assessment on a 12-year-old girl who did NOT want to go through with it. Usually, I can reason well enough to get kids to cooperate, but she was having none of it. She has an extensive abuse background and has tremendous trouble controlling her emotions. In fact, she's learned to use her emotions to get out of things she doesn't like to do. This was her plan that day. She worked herself up, yelling that she didn't want to be here and she just wanted to go home. She ended up at the point where she concluded that He's EVIL!

Conclusions are not feelings.

"He's evil" is not a feeling. It's a conclusion. It's a value-judgment (not a very nice one). When you catch yourself confusing a conclusion for a feeling, ask yourself whether you're using feeling words. Yes, I know it sounds corny, but there's a lot of wisdom there. Feeling words are words like hurt, sad, pain, confused, angry, mad, frustrated, and many others. Conclusions are thoughts, not feelings. Feelings are not "I feel that you're an idiot." The word "that" leads to a conclusion, not a feeling. I see this all the time with the couples I work with.

"He's home late again. He must either not like me or think I'm important," concludes the wife. "Man, she's got a sour look on her face. Here I am exhausted after a long day and she can barely say hi to me," he thinks to himself. She's probably feeling lonely and put-off and she reaches conclusions that are very negative about her husband. He does the same thing.

Feelings are extremely important clues. They can tell us when something is wrong, when something needs to change. Feelings are probably universal. When I tell you that I'm sad, you know what it's like to feel sad. Feelings can help us feel connected. I believe that connectedness is one of the basic human emotional needs. They help us understand each other.

When we communicate feelings to each other, although it can be vulnerable, it is extremely powerful. Sharing with each other our sadness, our tears, our fears, our joys, makes us so human, and I'd argue is also a spiritual exercise. Doing so helps us connect at a heart level.

On the other hand, when we only communicate thoughts, conclusions or judgments, we can get quite defensive. One of my absolute favorite authors, psychologists, and researchers, is John Gottman, Ph.D. He writes and speaks extensively about the effects of defensiveness. It keeps us disconnected, contributes to anger and resentment, and when it gets really bad, leads to contempt. Dr. Gottman explains it well when talking about how contempt affects us. Contempt is when you truly think that the other person is a bad person. If you're married or in a close relationship with this person you deem worthy of all this contempt, first of all it prevents you from seeing him or her in their full human-ness. Secondly, if this person is really such the loser that you may believe she or he is, then what does that say about you? What kind of person are you that you're with such a worthless specimen of the human species? Dr. Gottman calls contempt the worst of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. See his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work for not only an excellent explanation, but some very helpful ways to deal with defensiveness.

This will sound weird coming from a psychologist, but feelings are not the end-all and be-all of the human existence. Yes, they're extremely important information. Understanding what you feel and, at times, where those feelings come from, can give you tremendous power in determining how you want to behave and move through the world. But feelings do not determine reality, and often don't even reflect reality very well.

Emotional Intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ, is quite helpful in determining success in life. Daniel Goleman, made the term popular in Emotional Intelligence, his book published in 1995. High emotional intelligence is probably a better predictor of success in the real world than cognitive intelligence (IQ). Emotional Intelligence is basically the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions and those of others. Knowledge and the ability to think well are definitely good qualities to have. So are the ability to throw a 100 mph fastball or slam dunk a basketball. Being able to sing (or lip-sync), dance, and shake everything that God and/or the plastic surgeon gave you can also be quite lucrative qualities. But for the vast majority of us, having a decent EQ has a major impact on one's personal, relational, and professional success.

High EQ allows the human organism to recognize and deal with his own emotions as well as those around him. Instead of "I feel it so it must be true," the person with good EQ knows how to take her emotions as important information. She can determine where the emotions are coming from, what they mean (and don't mean), and how to manage them.

I love the word "manage" when it comes to emotions. We certainly can't control what we feel. Feelings just are. They just happen. We can't control where they come from, but we can control what we do with them. We manage them. They give us important information. If I hurt, there's a reason for it. If I know or can learn what that reason is (or reasons are), it gives me power I can use to move through life.

If I feel hurt, there can be a multitude of reasons. It may be that the person who hurt me is just being mean, being intentionally hurtful. It could mean that I have some experiences that have left open wounds. Certain words or experiences poke those wounds, making me hurt. I may need to do some work to heal those wounds or protect them. Knowing these things gives me power and gives me strength. My feelings become sources of important information rather than something I have to be enslaved to. I can choose to act or not act on my feelings, rather than just react in a knee-jerk sense. In my opinion, we should act based on what we know and what we value, not just on what we feel.

Remember, feelings do not dictate reality or truth. And we can all be quite thankful for that.

It’s All in Your Head

    Much psychological theory has been developed based on the idea that many of the problems we have live in our minds. People develop amazing sets of beliefs about themselves as they grow up. Unfortunately, many of the people I work with believe some pretty negative and sometimes nasty things about themselves. These beliefs often keep people pretty stuck.

    My favorite example is of this red-headed freckle-faced kid I knew when I was growing up. He, like all good kids, played Little League baseball. He started off in right field, aka the Place of Banishment, but with a couple years experience and some practice, moved his way into the infield playing first and second base. This lad, let's call him Sparky, could put the ball all over the field when he was taking batting practice. His very first at-bat of his career, he faced the fastest pitcher in the league. Not only that, this guy threw side-armed, creating a natural curve ball. Sparky, not knowing any better, swung at the second pitch and lo and behold, out into the gap in right-center it went for a bases-clearing double. The crowd went wild! Sparky never got another hit in the next 3 years that he played.

    Sparky developed some mistaken beliefs. First of all, he was deathly afraid of striking out. This, in his mind, was the worst form of failure. Pitching in Little League isn't that good, so to get 3 strikes before you get 4 balls is somewhat rare. Secondly, he just wanted to get on base. What's the best way to get on base? Right! Get a walk. Which he did, quite often. The coach and the crowd would yell "Good eye! Good eye!" It wasn't a good eye. He was scared. Scared of "failing" by striking out.

    Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. This is his claim to fame. He also struck out 1330 times. This was fueled on beer and hot dogs, not steroids. My interpretation is that the Babe swung for the fences. He wasn't afraid of "failing" in the same way our little Sparky was.

    Here's what Sparky needed. He needed a coach to sit him down, look him straight in the eye and say, with a little spittle on the corner of his lip, "Son, I'm tired of you walking all the damn time. [Before the age of political correctness, coaches could cuss.] I want you to go up there and swing the bat. I don't care if you strike out. The important thing is to swing. If you don't swing at a good pitch, you're running laps." You may think this is a bit harsh, but remember, Sparky knocked the ball all over the place in practice. The problem was definitely in his head.

    The solution, however, was in his body. He wasn't going to think or analyze this problem until it was solved. The only way was to take a swing. His fear kept him from having fun. It also kept the faulty beliefs intact. "I can't hit the ball in a real game."

    In my office, we explore problems from lots of different angles. There are a number of different types of questions that help in this exploration. "When did you first start believing that or behaving that way? What was the purpose? What do you think caused this belief?"

    Although the answers can be illuminating, they often do not lead to changes. Why? Pop psychology has tricked us into believing that if we can just come up with answers to some of these questions or get the right insight, the problems are solved. Now before you turn me into the Psychology Police, I am not minimizing the usefulness of insight. Without it, it can be hard to change. However, insight only gets you so far. If you want to get moving, the rubber has to meet the road, and begin rolling.

    Most of us learn much more by doing than by thinking. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of thinking. What I'm talking about is getting stuck in your head. While the human mind is an amazing thing, it can be a scary place. Stuff can bounce around inside of there and take on a life of its own. It can get warped the more it bounces. Instead, we need real experiences to develop our skills, beliefs, values, and abilities. While it's helpful for me to imagine myself being a great free-throw shooter, until I get into the driveway and shoot a bunch of them, I won't get much better.

    I believe that our minds work in similar ways. It is good to think about things and to plan, but until the plans and thoughts become action, we are limiting ourselves in what we can learn. So, while the problem may be in your head, the solution is in action. To quote a person I worked with who definitely got this concept, you have to "Do the Doing."

You Scratch My Back, I’ll Scratch Yours

 

Forrest Gump's mom, Sally Field (aka Frog Legs in Smokey and the Bandit and also Norma Jean) is credited with teaching Tom Hanks (formerly Kip Wilson in Bosom Buddies) that "Life is like a box of chocolates." The best one that I'm going to claim credit for making up goes like this:

 

A good relationship is like giving and receiving a good back scratch. Let's say that the husband is trying to give the wife a good back scratch. She just sits there wishing that "I wish he'd go a bit lower" or "scratch a bit harder," but she keeps her mouth shut, just being thankful that he's paying any attention to her at all. In order for her to enjoy it, she's got to give him directions. "A little lower. Down to the right. AH YESSSS!!!!"

 

On the other hand, he has to listen. He can't say, "Shut up, I've scratched a hundred backs before. I know what I'm doing."

 

Giving and receiving a good back scratch requires open ears, open hands, open communication and open hearts. Good fingernails or one of those plastic back-scratching hands you get at the county fair can help, too. You have to focus on the goal – to give the gift of complete, undivided attention, to help your cherished one feel good.

 

So many times, couples get into trouble when they stop giving their partner directions, and stop listening. If you really want to "hit the spot," ask questions. Receive directions. Adjust where you scratch, how hard, and when. Give your poor partner directions. Don't expect him to read your back (mind). Lack of the ability to read minds does not automatically equal insensitivity. Be brave – give directions. Let her know what feels good. Listen to what he's telling you.

Too often, when couples keep their mouths and ears shut, each person is doing a lot of scratching, but it isn't hitting the spot. This leads to resentment, feelings of futility, irritability, and sometimes anger.

Examples of this are endless. Take a couple married for 10 years with 2 pre-school children. She stays at home a couple days a week and works a couple days a week. He puts in the "normal" 50 hours and does what he can around the house. She takes care of all of the shopping, 90% of the cooking, and about 70% of the child-rearing, although he does a lot when he's home. He runs the family business, pays the bills, takes care of the vehicles, and does the yard. Neither of them do that much house-work, except for keeping stuff that causes diseases cleaned up.

He secretly wishes that she'd greet him at the door with a long, passionate kiss instead of the usual peck on the cheek and the retreat into her reading room now that she's not in charge of the kids anymore. She wishes he'd just clean up after himself. After all, she cleans up after 3 people all <insert expletive> day long, two of whom can turn a room upside down in less than 4.2 seconds.

Each morning, he's up first and the boy usually is up not long after he does. The boy wants attention, so Dad grabs him and they eat cereal together, even though the boy would much rather go up and see what Mommy is doing. Dad wants Mommy to have that extra 20 minutes of sleep he knows she deserves since she works so hard. He is scratching away.

She cooks this 3-course dinner and has it warm and ready when he walks in the back door. This beats the hell out of the microwaved frozen dinner that passes for culinary fare at least 3 nights each week. She's scratching.

Unfortunately, they miss each other, not from lack of effort, but lack of communicating. Each of them wants the other to know that they care how they feel and wants to help them feel better. Yet, making assumptions and not giving directions leaves them both feeling frustrated, angry, tired, hopeless, and too often – alone.

Although you're certainly not in charge of your partner's feelings, you can sure affect them. Unless you're a total Neanderthal (no offense intended to those of the Neanderthalic persuasion), you want to give each other good feelings. Talk and listen and you stand a much better chance of hitting the spot.

Ooooh, that feels really good.